Top Secret: men and women ARE different

By Koralia Timotheou*

“Once upon a time Martians and Venusians met, fell in love, and had happy relationships together because they respected and accepted their differences. Then they came to Earth and amnesia set in: They forgot they were from different planets”*.

In his 1992 book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”, ο John Gray describes the main emotional and psychological differences between the two genders. He claims that the communication gap in heterosexual couples is mainly due to the fact that men and women have been brought up and have been shaped to think and behave in very different manners.  Some of their differences are so strong that it is as though they come from different planets: Mars and Venus. We don't all have to agree with every conclusion of the author; however an interesting metaphor for men and women stands out in his book.

 The deep blue sea

In many cultures, traditions and eras, women have been closely associated with the sea.  Gray sees in women a wave-like emotional behavior. Women are primarily givers. They are designed to give. It makes them happy. Giving love, care, support, attention, advice, is their mission in life. This may be associated with the motherhood instinct but it is not limited to offspring. It extends to cover all loved ones, often acquaintances and sometimes more. Where does the wave fit in? Well, women build up their capacity to give in a manner similar to a wave building up energy as it moves forward, getting bigger.  It reaches a peak (crest) and then it quickly deflates. Based on this analogy, women spend most of their time giving but at some point, their giving energy drops (trough) and when this happens they feel they have nothing more to give. The reasons for this behavior vary and may include: having given too much, been burdened by others too much, giving to no avail, with no response, result or recognition, or just being tired.

Men are usually unaware of this mechanism and when it happens they are often shocked by the false belief that they have done something terribly wrong to have triggered such behavior. They therefore assume their Indiana Jones role and set off to another mission impossible: trying to figure out why. They make it their business to solve the problem. Only problem: there IS no problem. It is more of a natural cycle. The only thing they SHOULD be doing is be caring, loving and supportive until the storm passes.

The cave man

I have heard women refer to their mates as “cave men”. It sounded insulting and insensitive but then I read that Gray (and others perhaps) came up with a surprisingly similar theory. Men are built on the prototype of DIY. They stand for achievement, accomplishment and success. Their most important asset is their problem solving capacity. How does this work? Men have been caregivers for… ever. They can’t bear children but they CAN care and provide for them. So they make it their life mission to be providers, protectors, problem solvers. Have a problem? Any problem at all? You name it: here comes MacGyver! When men face a problem, they want time, space and clarity to ponder on it and figure out a solution. This is when they retreat to their cave, their workshop, their thinking room – their private space of mental and emotional isolation which is necessary in order to work out an answer.

When men retreat, women feel left out. Emotionally excluded and hurt. They usually take it personally and escalate this temporary lockdown to major drama, when the only thing needed is to allow space and time, be discrete and gentle and affirm to their man his ability to win one more battle.

Where the sea and the cave meet, a miracle happens. The sea calms down and the cave is filled in. Equality and all, when men and women realize that they DO have differences and that this is okay because it is what makes their relationships attractive in the first place, they will be more patient, considerate and respectful and their relationships more sustainable and rewarding.

Do not do unto others as you would have them do unto you—they might have different tastes, George Bernard Shaw

The different needs and rebooting mechanisms of the two genders dictate educated supportive actions rather than hot-headed reactions.

Men and women all want to be happy but at times this may look a bit different to each.

* www.koraliatimotheou.com, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, John Gray